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“My husband and I are both lawyers. He’s misses a lot
of birthday parties and other family events because of work, and
it irritates the heck out of me. I prefer the “10-Year Rule
of Parenting.” I ask myself whether, in 10 years, it will matter
to a client if you miss a meeting. The answer is, ‘probably
not.’ But will it matter to your son in 10 years if you were
at his baseball banquet? Yeah, it will.” – Gabriela,
a lawyer/Los Angeles
Professional couples have so much going for them. But the same
qualities that set them apart also work to their disadvantage. Because
for professional couples – and lawyer couples in particular – the
act of balancing work, love and ambition is among their greatest
challenge. That’s why I’m pleased you’ve come this
far. Because successful, long-lasting relationships are possible
... even with difficult people.
Of course, this is just the first leg of a long journey. And while this is
a couple’s guide, it is quite likely that only one of you are reading
it. That’s OK. Seldom are marital partners on the same page at the same
time. On the other hand, if you are reading this together, or if both of you
have read just a few chapters each – use selected portions for discussion
purposes. And if you read this book on your own, use the questions and assignments
for personal reflection. Regardless where you are in your life, newly married
or married for many years, a couple’s journey of building a partnership
and learning how to balance work, love and ambition is a lifetime process.
About Work
Our professional lives take up a great deal of our waking hours. We discussed
the long hours of practicing law, and the difficulty many lawyers have finding
time to share with loved ones. Self-esteem plays a role in one’s ability
to sometimes, when needed, choose love over work. Do not make the mistake of
thinking that just because you are in a relationship with a successful lawyer,
that he/she is confident and self assured. The culture of law schools and law
firms is not a nurturing one. It is tough and lawyers have to be tough to survive
in the profession. Your understanding of this one fact will help you understand
your lawyer’s sense of self. If at all possible, be encouraging of your
spouse’s work ethic.
Are you happy with your work? How much time a day do you spend at work? Do
you bring your work home? If you work at home, or you are the spouse that is
the homemaker, how do you separate out your work role in the home from your
personal one? Remember, the work is never done. If you live by the old adage “First
the work, then the play”, you are already in trouble. There is always
something work related you can choose to do. You do have a choice. Play will
not occur on its own by chance. But play you must, even if it’s just
an hour a day. You work for a purpose, but play has its own value. You must
make it happen. If your lawyer is a workaholic, you do not have to become one
also. Take a day a week for play, and, if possible, make it the same day as
your partner. Spend some of it together and some alone. Read something unrelated
to your work. Do not discuss your work. Do not even mention it. If you have
children, play with them. If you have forgotten how, they will teach you; they
are experts at it. Fun is a vital way to replenish your spirit and provide
balance with your work.
It is essential to your own good health and a necessity to your relationship
that you give attention to your body, your mind, your feelings and your spirit.
If you are not whole, you will never find happiness. You will always be searching
outside of yourself for something to fulfill you. If there is a hole in your
spirit, it will be difficult to find balance between your work and your family.
Your work is important and it is the means by which you make a living. However,
it must not be your life.
About Love
What attracted you to your lawyer? Your answer to this questions can be your
guide to maintaining a loving relationship. My ongoing study of relationship
issues proves that often the very characteristics that brings a couple together,
when exaggerated over time, are the same ones that drive them apart. Perhaps
you fell in love with your lawyer’s rational problem solving skills and
ability to make decisions quickly. One day you become aware that your spouse’s
offering rational solutions to your problems is not the emotional support for
which you are searching and the quick decision making is beginning to feel
like control. So the two things that once brought you together start to create
a wedge, and if not addressed can cause conflict and pain. For example, one
woman – married 13 years to a lawyer – said to me, “When
I first met John, I was so attracted to his incredible sense of responsibility.
He was the most stable man I had ever met.” These were admirable qualities
she greatly respected. Now, however, she reports these same two attributes – responsibility
and stability – have become “dull and boring”. How does this
happen? If one of you stops growing and becomes stuck in a rut, your relationship
may also suffer.
To protect your marriage, be aware of this dynamic, ask yourself (and your
lawyer if he/she is willing to participate) these two questions:
- What about my spouse was the most attractive quality when we first
met
- What other characteristics did I admire?
List them and then discuss how they play out in your current daily
life. Have you changed? And if so, how? Has your spouse changed and
if so, how? Remind yourself and your lawyer about those things that
you really enjoy about each other. Do you give compliments or are
you always thinking negatively? Find at least one loving compliment
to give your partner every day. You cannot keep the home fires burning
if you never feed the fire. To keep the feeling of love alive and
healthy in your marriage, find ways to fan the flames. It only takes
one to rekindle the spark. But don’t ask, “So, why does
it always have to be me?”. You already know my answer: Do not
wait for your partner; take responsibility for your self, your love
and your life. Because you are the only one over which you have any
control.
About Ambition
Ambition is a wonderful thing. It may very well be one of those
characteristics that attracted you to your lawyer. After all, they
are an ambitious species. However, to balance the intense ambitious
drive and to prevent it from becoming a one way, single track to
success, you must clarify your value system. Here are some questions
to help start your discussion this evening:
- Have you and your lawyer discussed your definition of success?
- What is it for you, as an individual? As a couple?
- What are your personal values?
- Do you have a personal five-year plan?
- What are your goals as a couple? Are your goals realistic?
It’s easy to get so tied up in the living of daily operations
that we allow little or no time to reflect on what is really important.
Be sure you are on the road that is taking your where you really
want to go. Remember what Betty said at the beginning of the book: “When
Jacob and I got married, I had every intention of being a very supportive
spouse. And I was ... in the beginning. But I wasn’t prepared
for how much my husband’s law practice demanded of our lives.
As time went on, he became so focused on his goals it was if our
marriage was only about the law.” Many spouses complain about
riding the Ambition Express. They feel like they’re on a runaway
train and they don’t know how to stop it, get off, or alter
its course. If your lawyer is the conductor of such a ride, the two
of you need to seriously discuss where both of you are headed. Without
this introspection, you may end up not liking the destination. By Fiona Travis, PhD, an excerpt from Should
You Marry a Lawyer? A Couple’s Guide to Balancing Work, Love & Ambition (DecisionBooks
2003)
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